On Being Grateful

Most everyone has encountered someone that lives with a perpetual victim mentality. If you're like me, it is difficult to spend large amounts of time with such people - they require inordinate amounts of attention and still feel like they've been neglected. They complain about not having things, then when they receive something, dismiss its significance because, after all, "It was way overdue and I deserved it." For a long time, I've pondered the possible reasons for this type of behavior, and though I don't understand it all, I think I may have found a root cause.

First, let's ponder Madame Blueberry. Veggie Tales can teach children a great deal, but I always get something out of the videos as well, and Madame Blueberry is one of my favorites. On Big Idea's website, they remind us that "being greedy makes you grumpy -- but a thankful heart is a happy heart!"

I think this strongly ties into the victim mentality we see in our culture. When we are thankful (or in my words, grateful), there is little room for grumpiness. People living with a victim mentality tend to see the worst in every situation. If something good happens, it isn't appreciated, but instead seen as a sign that bad things must be around the corner.

This goes along with my first blog about changing the way we see things - not seeing through critical (or judgmental, pitying, etc) eyes. If we really want to change the way we feel, we have to change the way we react, the way we perceive, the way we behave. As a friend of mine has heard me say repeatedly, the way you live your life is a choice. Circumstances may be good or bad, but you choose how you respond.

I made a choice several years ago to live in a grateful frame of mind, rather than suffer (and make others suffer) with my critical spirit.

Being "Useful"

Every once in a while, I go through my computer files to read things that I've written in moments of inspiration, frustration, pain, sorrow, joy, and confusion. Tonight, I ran across a file of desperate searching and frustration. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote in July of 2004.

"I'm useful, I'll admit that. But am I anything more? Do I inspire people? Do I inspire myself? Is there a passion that drives me to action? Why am I so afraid to take a leap of faith and instead take baby steps of certainty? What does destiny mean to me? Instead of being driven by a passionate love for God, I'm driven by a need to be needed. A call to be useful. A desire to be worth the space I occupy. Was it not enough that God created me? Is that not enough of a rationale for me to be alive? I'm sick to death of being an asset, someone who is worth the money she's paid. I'd rather have to earn my own money and live ministry that stirs my heart. Who cares if someone sees fit to pay me for ministering? I never thought I'd be so easily and willingly bought. It seems like when they pay me, it is to do their ministry, cleverly disguised as something I like. The scary thing is, I've been the one painting the pretty face on the job. Disguising myself and soaking in shallow irrelevant praise."

I think so many people have this inner anger at being "useful" but nothing else. The last two lines of that paragraph sum it up for me. It was ME who was convincing myself that "fill in the blank" was my destiny, neatly packaged and very do-able. I was creating a mold, fitting myself into it, and then cursing the very mold I had created. How often do we do that? We have this deep seated feeling that we were created for something much bigger than we can imagine and much more complex than we can orchestrate on our own. At the same time, we have a deep seated fear that if we strike out on this adventure of life, we will fail, or worse, find that our dream was just that - a dream, a fantasy, a well-intentioned break from the reality that is.

I'm getting to the place in my life that "useful" just doesn't cut it. I'm thankful to have a job that challenges me in who I am and what I know. I am more than administration in my job, and I thank God for that. Now the problem is me - stepping out into the adventure without bringing an emergency kit for quick escape. I'm not sure what it is going to take, but I'm on that journey, everyday.

Purpose Driven Pain

"Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice." - Psalm 51:8

Several years ago, I circled this verse in my Wide-Margin, Note-taking Bible without really considering it. Maybe a pastor mentioned it in passing. Maybe a professor referenced it in one of my classes. Who knows. The only thing I know is that it "nudged" me enough to warrant circling.

Now skip ahead several years to last Sunday. I was home visiting family for the holiday so I went to church in Marietta. No offense to the pastor there, but I was a little distracted in service. Couldn't quite focus on what was being taught. When I was younger, this would have prompted me to look through the Hymnal or write notes, but hey, I'm a grown-up now. Instead I flipped randomly through my Bible, seeing if anything would "strike me." Here's where the Scripture comes in.

First, "make me to hear joy and gladness." Now if you know anything about my testimony, you wont be surprised to hear that I struggled with extreme bitterness for several years. There were many reasons that I wont go into, but the majority of my bitterness was from the church and ministry. It took divine intervention and a long process for me to be freed from the root of bitterness that I had allowed to grow in my life. Not only did I have to forgive, I also had to change the way I looked at things. When I re-read this Scripture on Sunday, I realized something. In this process of getting rid of bitterness, God had to make me hear joy and gladness. He had to change the way I perceived things. Instead of looking at things through eyes of criticism, I had to see the joy and gladness of the Lord, in every situation. It was only then that I began to uproot bitterness in my heart.

Then comes "Let the bones which You have broken rejoice." This is the part that most people can't fathom. When God changed the way I perceived things, I saw the redemption in my past pain. The scars still hurt sometimes, but I was able to see the journey that the pain had brought me on. Those areas of pain and brokenness were being transformed into rejoicing. Through all of the difficult circumstances, God had kept me, and more than that, He was using those things to bring rejoicing into my life. I had found the Purpose for my Pain. No longer was I allowing my pain to define me life. My Pain was Purpose Driven not by me, but by the One who is always in control.