Being "Useful"

Every once in a while, I go through my computer files to read things that I've written in moments of inspiration, frustration, pain, sorrow, joy, and confusion. Tonight, I ran across a file of desperate searching and frustration. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote in July of 2004.

"I'm useful, I'll admit that. But am I anything more? Do I inspire people? Do I inspire myself? Is there a passion that drives me to action? Why am I so afraid to take a leap of faith and instead take baby steps of certainty? What does destiny mean to me? Instead of being driven by a passionate love for God, I'm driven by a need to be needed. A call to be useful. A desire to be worth the space I occupy. Was it not enough that God created me? Is that not enough of a rationale for me to be alive? I'm sick to death of being an asset, someone who is worth the money she's paid. I'd rather have to earn my own money and live ministry that stirs my heart. Who cares if someone sees fit to pay me for ministering? I never thought I'd be so easily and willingly bought. It seems like when they pay me, it is to do their ministry, cleverly disguised as something I like. The scary thing is, I've been the one painting the pretty face on the job. Disguising myself and soaking in shallow irrelevant praise."

I think so many people have this inner anger at being "useful" but nothing else. The last two lines of that paragraph sum it up for me. It was ME who was convincing myself that "fill in the blank" was my destiny, neatly packaged and very do-able. I was creating a mold, fitting myself into it, and then cursing the very mold I had created. How often do we do that? We have this deep seated feeling that we were created for something much bigger than we can imagine and much more complex than we can orchestrate on our own. At the same time, we have a deep seated fear that if we strike out on this adventure of life, we will fail, or worse, find that our dream was just that - a dream, a fantasy, a well-intentioned break from the reality that is.

I'm getting to the place in my life that "useful" just doesn't cut it. I'm thankful to have a job that challenges me in who I am and what I know. I am more than administration in my job, and I thank God for that. Now the problem is me - stepping out into the adventure without bringing an emergency kit for quick escape. I'm not sure what it is going to take, but I'm on that journey, everyday.